Poetry: “My head hurts, I must have a brain tumor” and other ruminations

I think I hear voices

Yup, I hear voices.

I’m 17 lying face down on the kitchen floor, head pressed against the refrigerator to convince myself the noises I hear are actually coming from the refrigerator.

They are.

But I still think I have schizophrenia

I spend the following 2 months triple checking every noise I hear

 

I am 30.

I am sitting in the Target waiting room

Crying

Because a few minutes ago the thought crossed my mind:

“What if I suddenly forget how to leave the store?”

Naturally, I panic.

I forget where the doors are.

I sit in the waiting room for the next 20 minutes reminding myself

It’s just your anxiety.  It’s just your OCD.

 

I am 7. And 8. And 9…… and 32.

I am examining and cautiously tasting my food.  Everything feels contaminated.

What if it’s not cooked right? Did they check the expiration dates? Did they wash their hands? Did I wash my hands? Did I wash them enough? What if I didn’t wash them but think I did?

 

I am 32 and….

I have ERP. I have Mindfulness.  I have ACT.  I have a community of people like me

I have: “I’m going to bed so I get enough sleep. Can you turn the TV down, please?”

I have: “The thought paralyzed me for a minute but I’m eating that pizza” because exposures and stuff

 

I am 32 and I have OCD.

And although I am typing this with cracked hands from the latest episode of excessive hand washing, I am grateful, most of the time, for this thing that causes me to be intimately aware of the complexity of the human experience.  

 

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3 thoughts on “Poetry: “My head hurts, I must have a brain tumor” and other ruminations

  1. Wow, you articulated and shared your experience so well. I’ve struggled with similar thoughts (on a much smaller level), and I think it’s so important you’re sharing this. I love how you don’t despise the experience, either. Part of working through it is acceptance, kindness, and a bit of humor. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

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